Policebird Files - Report by Sheriff Tinned Tomatoes


Help! Somebody get me down! Lucy netted me in a lace tablecloth and I'm dangling from an oak tree.

Policebird Files


We (Bill & Bobby - policebirdmen) will be busy redecorating the policebirdbox this week. We'll paint the walls a peaceful pale police blue and the bars of the cage a smart charcoal suit grey and the door a mysterious deep police sea blue according to the Policebirdforce Manual section 11, part 2, paragraph 891, point 60,"Official Policebird colour schemes/policebirdboxes/interior/woodwork etc">
We (B&B) will also be scrubbing the police doorstep, polishing the floorboards and cleaning the police rugs.
Please note: this is not an opportunity for any law-breakages or infringements. Please abide by all the laws. Sheriff Tinned Tomatoes will be on patrol.
from Bill & Bobby, policebirdmen, at your service (after decorating).

day forty-seven and ten-elevenths

Now I'm inside the Soup Shack, getting warm. Soup of the Day is mountain-potato & edelweiss root, which is hot at least. The coffee is also hot. I see, though, that the penguins prefer iced coffee.

The owner of the Soup Shack, a tall, stocky birdman, looks quite familiar. I feel like I've met him before, but that's not possible. But who does he remind me of? He looks kind of stern. Oh! Bill & Bobby! He looks like the policebirdmen! Could he be the legendary third policebirdman brother who disappeared a long time ago? What was his name? Barry? No. Bertie? No. Blinky? Boz? Bunny? Basher? No, none of those. Boots? Blake? Bjorn? Harry? No, it definitely begins with "B". Buckingham? Breakwind? Bottletop? No, too formal. Beaky? Bignose?

Now Captain Cookie is making an announcement:"We'll be going in a minute everybody". And then he says, "Can I have another coffee to take out, please, Benny."

Benny! That's it! It must be him - Bill & Bobby's brother, Benny!

day forty-seven and nine-tenths

All the passengers and crew, Captain Cookie, Lieutenant Montblanc, the two stewards, got off the airship when we arrived at the port in the Chilly Peaks. One of the stewards tied up the airship with a rope (the rope I tugged in the Cocktail Lounge) to stop it floating away.

The port was a small flat ledge near the top of one of the peaks. There was a sign saying "Welcome To Chilly Peaks", and another sign saying "Soup. Coffee" and another one saying "Customers are advised and warned that because of slippiness it is not wise to walk near the edge of the ledge".

I looked around at all the passengers as they stretched their extremities on the ledge before rushing in to the "Chilly Peaks Shack". Mostly penguins, a crane, and one or two seals. They didn't seem bothered by the extreme chilliness, but I was glad to get inside the warm shack, even though I was wearing a big coat that one of the stewards had provided.

day forty-seven and seven-eighths

After the meal, one of the air steward penguins took me to the front of the airship to meet the pilot in the cockpit. He introduced himself as Captain Peters Cookie. He was eating a pancake while his co-pilot, Lieutenant Montblanc was flying the airship - actually she was busy steering around and between some icy mountain peaks. She was concentrating like crazy, trying not to crash into the icy peaks and she didn't even say hello. I don't think she realised I was there in the cockpit.

Capt. Cookie said we would soon be making a brief stop at a small port in the mountains, and everybody would be getting off to stretch their legs, feet, flippers etc. and to have something to eat and a drink (hopefully without a slightly fishy odour).

After that the airship will be continuing it's flight to the penguin homelands in the Far North (with me, accidentally, on it).

day forty-seven and six-eighths

day forty-seven and three-quarters

The airship was just approaching Watercolour Lake and I was preparing myself to let go of the rope, when suddenly I felt myself being pulled upwards again, except this time it wasn't the airship climbing into the air, in fact I was being hoisted into it. Ten seconds later I was being bundled aboard by two air steward penguins. They asked me a lot of questions about who I was and why I was on the end of their rope and they seemed to be satisfied with my answers.

They showed me to a seat at the rear of the airship cabin and brought me a boarding pass and a miniature bottle of brandy (which had a slightly fishy odour). The other passengers, mostly penguins, occasionally turned around to look at me, but they didn't seem too perturbed to see a random stork in their midst. For a while I gazed out of the small porthole at the landscape of muddy hills and valleys below, but before long I was brought a glass of champagne (which also had a slightly fishy odour) and a plate of raw anchovies (of course they did), followed by a lemon curd tart (yes, it did).